So Super Bowl was this week (how amazing was the half time show!!!) and being that my husband was absolutely over the moon about 49ers making it he just had to go big when it came to watching the game. It seems watching it at home with me wasn’t too much fun. So he had arranged to go to a Sports Bar not far from our house and I would collect him when he was done. Not too bad right? Oh yeah for the people NOT in Australia Super Bowl is broadcast on Monday and began at 8am (well officially). So I had to drop his ass off at a bar at 8am – fortunately they had made a game day celebration starting early.
So he had his fun while the spawn and I watched from the comfort of our home with her taking regular trampoline breaks from the game……well after the rain had stopped. Then it came time to collect the husband. Over the phone I could tell he had been drinking a bit, it was fine. But what kind of state was he in, especially considering 49ers lost??? Well as he got into the car (by the way collecting him in it’s self was an adventure, I looked like I was on the hunt to kidnap someone with my slowly driving and peeking out the window) the delightful smell of stale beer filled my car. Yep he was on the little drunk train possibly to Spewville. Now when my husbands had a bit too much to drink he tends to over compensate with talking a lot and saying his not drunk or throwing random compliments at me (I don’t hate the compliments) or he just flat out admits his pissed. Today he was adamant he was not drunk but had a few beers.
As soon as we get home he becomes a corpse laying on the bed, occasionally grunting to show his alive and awake. The spawn was trying so hard to talk to him and get him to talk to her since she hasn’t seen much of him. No luck. So I let her do what she wanted to him, which was put lipstick on him to make him look pretty. I must admit her liquid lipstick application has significantly improved it was almost perfect. After him getting up to use the bathroom to “just need to pee” but really attempt to push out a quiet vomit. In the 12 years together I know when he vomits and I can tell you it’s never quiet – sounds like someone pouring a bucket of chunky water into the toilet followed by spitting and “oh shit”.
So after an hour of him being adamant he was fine and just sleepy I was really over the state. Mainly because I needed him to look after the spawn that night and work early the next day. So husband had moved his ass into the spawns bedroom which to her shock she couldn’t get daddy off her bed. When she came to me about her problem I simply said “ chop off daddy’s beard that will wake him up”. Forgetting she’s only 4 and doesn’t always get when I just say stupid shit…….minutes later I walked into her room with her dad perked up with a shocked look on his face and her standing there with the kitchen scissors in hand and a big smile. Yep she did it! She had cut a giant chunk out of his hobo beard while he slept the beard chunks laying all over the bed…………it took a minute to sink in.
Then I have never laughed to hard in my life! After I recovered from almost wetting myself the only thing I could think to myself was this.
I’m so proud of my little spawn, she’s finally listening to me
Hope you enjoyed my little tale. It was too funny not to share. A little side note, I collected the beard chunks and mailed them off to a friend to play PUBES OR BEARD? A game I created a while back…..so far she’s only been sent beard.