One Cranky Potato

Yes Potato! That’s the only way I can describe my current state right now. 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant with no sign of this crap ending anytime soon. I am a hot ass mess and moving around is becoming a royal pain and I’m grunting with every move. Now I naively went into this thinking because this is my second pregnancy my body knows what to do and basically the second one will come out early (this was also what many many people were telling me early on), how fucking wrong was I. THAT IS A LIE!! When sitting in my midwife appointment asking why I’m still pregnant at this point she addressed many many old wives tales and how some can be true to some women but a lot are basically horse shit.

At 39 weeks I had what they called a stretch and sweep to try get things going naturally. Other than feeling violated afterwards it did nothing, so I went back at my 40 week appointment and did it again. Days go by and still NOTHING! For those who aren’t familiar with a stretch and sweep Its basically a midwife/ doctor giving you a good old knuckling……don’t worry they lube up beforehand. So aswell as going through these uncomfortable visits I threw myself into all of the apparent labor inducing remedies people were telling me to try.

“Do some squats” yeah I’ve been doing a ridiculous amount of squats over the last month…..my legs look fantastic but it didn’t do shit

“Go for a walk” really if it was that simple everyone would have delivered on time. I have been exercising throughout this pregnancy and walking is nothing new to me.

“Sex will knock you right into labor” well getting over the fact that finding a position in which your humongous baby gut can comfortably rest it’s really not the most romantic Situation for both parties. It’s more of a hurry the fuck up

“Eat a curry” really? That’s what I want to do while in labor paint the delivery room with last nights exotic dish. Apparently it’s just to get your bowels to do something- trust me I’m good

“Drink Raspberry Leaf tea and burn or bathe in essential oils “ The tea I have been drinking for weeks and like my last pregnancy I have been drinking it like its going out of fashion. The essential oils well thats an experience I was told I could burn them in an oil burner, put in a bath or just have the old sniff from the bottle. I went for the most potent option and sniffed from the bottle…….I was high as fuck.

These are only scratching the surface of the DIY home remedies for inducing labor. Literally you name it Ive tried it. Sure these may work on the odd occasion for some women. NOT THIS ONE! This child is firmly placed inside of me with a flat out refusal to evacuate anytime soon. Now as well as the fact I have tried literally everything, constantly in the most uncomfortable pain and waking up daily to the realisation Im still pregnant (even in my dreams Im knocked up) is the multiple reminders from family and friends. Multiple times a day both me and the husband receive phone calls, texts, emails, Facebook/instagram messages asking “is she here yet” . The lovely reminder that yes Im Still pregnant is what I want to hear daily along with the “just get her out already” with a side dish of how to get her out. Its becoming a new greeting for me instead of saying hello when I answer my phone I simply say NO BABY. I mean seriously if the kids out it would be known.

Sorry everyone, for my insane rant hopefully next weeks post I won’t be such an asshole. All the fun of reaching the end of your pregnancy prison sentence.

IM OUT!!