Me vs Birds 

Ok I’ll admit it, I’m scared of birds. I have been afraid of birds since as long as I can remember. But, having said that my fear isn’t without reason. Birds fucking hate me! I swear its not all in my head they try to get me every chance they get and its even moving onto my daughter. If she’s with me they will try to get her too. Its like a horrible street gang that won’t leave me alone. I feel like I have to have protection from a bigger person whenever Im outside near trees.

The funny thing is that I’m not afraid of flamingos or penguins. Maybe because they are such beautiful birds I guess. Anyway you could throw me off a cliff to bungee jump, you could put me in the ocean to swim with sharks. But don’t ever put me in the vicinity of a FUCKING BIRD! Now what I mean when I say they are trying to get me is that they either want to swoop me or attack me. I don’t know why but its happened pretty much all my life. It still haunts me when i was 5 and I was at a farm for a school excursion and I went into the chicken pen with the other children and the chickens turned on me, no one else just me.

Alright I’ll share a story of an asshole bird, it was last year when the weather was really nice and I thought “hey since I’ve got the day to myself why not go for a walk to the post office and walk home” it would be around an hour trip so why not. On the way home I was a few houses away from my street and I heard it, the dreaded flapping of wings approaching me. I ducked down onto the concrete hoping it just missed me (It did thank god) so I sped the pace up to get home. Then I heard the flapping again, the same fucker had come back for more! I ducked again. This time I crossed the street and started to run. The fucker was persistent to swoop me and he literally followed me home! The hole run home I was stalked by the sound of flapping wings and the view of a black and white feathers in the corner of my eye. 

I get that at certain times of the year magpies can be real dicks because they are protecting their nests. But seriously following me home. REALLY! This dick just wanted to swoop someone. I wasn’t doing anything to piss it off, I was trying to avoid it and all I wanted to do was get home. It must have been having a shit day.

Needless to say my fear is justified and I highly doubt it will be a fear I will ever be able to overcome. Unless the birds realise Im harmless and they stop having this stupid vendetta against me.

I hope my stupid fear has provided entertainment for whoever is reading

bye guys


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